"Offer no resistance... In this way, you become invulnerable."
- Eckhart Tolle, The Power of Now
"They're all gonna laugh at you!"
- Adam Sandler
I'm your ego, and I want what's best for you. With me you're never wrong, never need to say sorry, never need to take an uncomfortable risk. If someone hurts you, I'll make them sorry. You may be a bundle of flaws, kid, but I'll help you put on a show. Fool them all.
Ego probably helped our ancestors survive the jungle, but it serves no purpose in a global community that's trying to rapidly evolve beyond war, hate, and suffering.
Vulnerability kills the ego, and with it the illusion that we are separate or alone. Walls between people crumble when we speak openly about our fears and insecurities.
We liberate ourselves when we stop fighting internal battles, turn to face our pain, and surrender to it.
In this way we transcend our suffering and become invulnerable.
Three weeks ago I put self-employment on hold to get back into a salaried job. I traded a relaxed 10 minute bike commute to a cozy coffee shop for an hour long, trench warfare-style slog through the gauntlet of Toronto's subway system at rush hour, complete with three transfers, including one at the city's busiest station.
The hollow faces of my sleep starved brothers and sisters-in-arms, the unconscious rushing, getting body checked without a 'sorry' might have robbed me of my spirit by now. But somehow those 60 minutes have become the best of my day. Why?
Because I have treated the time as an opportunity.
An opportunity to practice mindfulness. Humans have not evolved to deal with the trauma of racing through underground tubes toward a cubicle before sunrise. My commute is objectively unpleasant. Yet I have found peace in the bedlam through practicing mindfulness. Quieting my mind. Listening.
This peace shows that, even in unpleasant situations, I can be mindful. And If I can do it in chaos, I can do it throughout the less stressful parts of my day.
Knowing this makes me smile.
When I was a kid I used to delay trips to the bathroom because it meant putting 'fun' on hold. As an adult I tend to jam my schedule so tight I can't find time to eat. Sitting idle is a sin, says the world outside.
Line-ups, traffic. Waiting for an important call. These are annoying, but there's a far more crushing brand of waiting: getting stuck. Life stuck.
I want to finish my book, launch my business, finally learn to play Hotel California on guitar. But my last chapter was flat; my business model is flawed; my fingers won't cooperate.
Challenges visited each of my projects all at once this past summer, landing on top of a layer of family and personal worries, and I got stuck. I fell into a funk.
For weeks I made little progress on my goals. I forced myself to keep going and beat myself up when I couldn't find the strength. The funk worsened. I had no choice but to take a vacation and to fire my inner slave-driver (he still loiters in the background.)
"Difficulties in your life do not come to destroy you, but to help you realize your hidden potential and power." - Dr. A.P.J. Abdul Kalam
In this unwanted rest period I learned there is value in getting stuck.
Ever notice that when waiting at a red light you're more aware of your surroundings than when driving?
Standing still lets us look around. When we look around we can see what's working and what is not in our lives. In this mindful place we can see opportunities and truths we would normally miss.
In my "waiting place" I learned to ask for help. I learned to stop forcing. And I learned to be kinder to myself. These lessons helped move my projects back on track.
"Why do you want to shut out of your life any uneasiness, any miseries, or any depressions? For after all, you do not know what work these conditions are doing inside you." - Rainer Maria Rilke
Challenges will come, and some will stop you in your tracks. You can thrash around in this waiting place or you can treat it as a welcomed chance to look around.
Have you been stuck? Let me hear your story in the comments section below.
But as she got closer I could see it was someone I had loved. At the edge of my bed she asked,
"Can I just lay beside you tonight?"
"Of course you can, sweetie," I told her. And we were together again, at least for a while.
It was just a dream but it felt much more real. Although she wasn't physically present, she was truly 'there', if only in spirit.
It's not often that I have vivid dreamlike experiences, but I welcome each one. Dreaming is a window into another realm, whether it's the unconscious mind, or a plane of existence that science has yet to understand. Our reality is so much larger than the waking, conscious moments that we invest so much of our time and energy fussing over. Pyschologists say around 90 percent of all mental activity is unconscious: our desires, our fears, our creativity lives here.
It would be a tragedy to go through life leaving this vast and beautiful terrain unexplored. Although last night's experience was just a dream, it was also a healing experience. It reminded me that, even though lovers be lost, love shall not.
We all dream, every night, about once every 90 minutes. We don't always remember our dreams, but there are ways to improve our dream recall:
1.Have clear intentions
Before falling asleep, tell yourself with conviction that you will remember your dreams on waking.
2.Schedule your sleep
We are more likely to remember our dreams if we get enough sleep. Try for at least 8 hours. And, since we dream every 90 minutes, you can set your alarm to wake you up in hour and a half multiples, either 4.5, 6, 7.5 or 9 hours after going to bed.
3. Keep a dream journal
I keep a notepad by my bed and as soon as I wake up, I write down anything I can remember. If nothing comes, I simply write, "Don't remember." The key to success is to get into the habit of doing it every morning. Even if you wake in the dead of night, writing a few words down will improve your recall when the sun's up.
4. The dream diet
Eating certain foods before bed may improve dream recall: cheese, bananas, apple/orange juice. Vitamin B-6 and Tryptophan may have the same effect.
What is your experience with dreaming and the unconscious? I'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments, below.
I am a productivity fanatic.
I get up early and after a healthy breakfast and some meditation I'll write down my ten long term goals and a long to-do list for the day. I try to apply the 80/20 principle to everything I do and schedule every half hour of my day. Push, push, push.
In the last 12 months I've been ambitious. I ran an election campaign--eight 80 hour weeks of intense, emotional work. I moved apartments, ended a long-term relationship, and left a good job to finally start a business. It's been long days of networking, business plans, and chasing investors.
At the same time I decided to start a writing career. I wrote a 65,000 word first draft of my book in six weeks and since January have been re-writing the second draft while attending a weekly writing workshop and applying for grants.
I started this website and freelance writing. I punish my body at CrossFit 4 times a week, have been teaching myself to play guitar, and reading voraciously while keeping a full social calendar.
The result? I'm badly burnt out.
For months I've been asking myself why I can't keep up the pace; why I haven't hit my goals already. Every time I've slept in, skipped the gym, and just didn't feel like working I've berated myself about it. With that much stress, getting started again was murder. And so the cycle continued...
My turning point came a few weeks ago while interviewing a former PGA champ for a magazine article about golf tips.
"Bring down your expectations and your game will improve," he said. When golfers stress about sinking the putt they miss the shot. 'Relax and enjoy' was his advice.
Could I lower my expectations and enjoy more success?
Last week I came across an article at Lifehack asking Is it Time to Let Go of Productivity? It was a response to Leo Babauta's zenhabits article Toss Productivity Out advocating tossing goals in favour of working on what you enjoy in the moment.
"It is better to travel well than to arrive at the right destination"
- Arthur C. Custance
The authors disagreed on the recipe for success but I was relieved to know that others have also been a victim of productivity.
The ideal balance of productivity and letting go will differ for everyone, but after my own failed experiment with hyper-productivity I don't have much of a choice but to give the alternative a shot; to relax. To simplify. After all, I'm not a machine.
Do you need to lower your expectations? I'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments below.
I am not 75, nor do I have a grandson, but...
A few years back I read a book about finding your purpose (I can't remember the title.) The author asked me to go through several exercises, for example writing my own obituary, to discover what I want to do with my life. One exercise was to write a letter as my 75 year old self to my hypothetical grandson who was asking for advice about life. I had a lot of fun with it, and just came across the letter today.
I'm no wizened old guru but I share the letter here anyway, unedited, hoping you'll benefit from the lessons I've learned through a lifetime of seeking the best way to live. Enjoy.
A letter to my Grandson, on my 75th birthday
I am honoured by the compliment you’ve bestowed on me by asking for my advice about life, the Universe, and everything! The best advice I can give you, is that nobody on this Earth has all the answers. Their wisdom, even if it is gained over 75 years, may not always be applicable to your situation! We do not know why we are here on this planet. Did ‘God’ put us here? Are we just some cosmic accident? Whatever the case may be, so what? My point is, finding the ultimate meaning of life is probably a lost cause. And although for a long time this was a source of frustration for me, at some point it is helpful to realize that maybe the best we can do is just enjoy the time we have here.
So what to do? The answer? Whatever you want!! The multitude of possible experiences are virtually endless. It matters much less what you do, than how you do it. In my 75 years, I’ve come to a few conclusions on how best to ‘do it’ (best for ME, at least).
First and foremost, as much as possible, do everything with love. Treat others with love (the way you would want to be treated), and you will be richly rewarded.
Be honest. A vast portion of human suffering throughout history has been caused by people being dishonest, either with others or with themselves. The latter is hard to do. Sometimes we are going to see what we want to see. The challenge is to always strive to know thyself.
Find what you are passionate about, at any given period in your life. This will change over time. Your goal is to recognize your passion, grab onto it and see how far you can go in life with it. Under no circumstances let other people or society tell you what is important to you. Others may have advice (some of it good!), but never answers.
Laugh. I spent far too much of my life being serious and unhappy. I held onto many things too tightly. And if something is making you unhappy, remove it from your life, if possible.
Surrender to fate/the universe/whatever. You cannot change everything. The best you can do is set goals, and work your ass off to get there. Sometimes you’ll fail to reach your goals, and it is how tightly you are attaching yourself to the outcome that determines how painful it is when you do fail.
Carry your own ‘weather’. Strive to not let other peoples’ moods affect you, especially strangers, or people whom you don’t respect.
Don’t take other peoples’ opinions of you too seriously. Someone doesn’t like your lifestyle? Too bad. As long as you are not hurting anyone else and you are living with integrity, love and honesty, you’re halfway to happiness.
Travel. I cannot stress this one enough. Get out of your city and your country for an extended period of time. You cannot possibly learn about life as quickly if you are sitting in your home town, exposed to people who are simply recycling ideas and attitudes. Not to mention, it’s amazingly good fun!
Be patient. This one is hard. Especially when you’re younger, and you’d prefer to have things now. But a great many of life’s endeavours only come to fruition after several years, even decades. This is related to determination and perseverance, two other important qualities to develop.
Determination allows us to accomplish incredible goals, ones which we may have never thought possible. I’m sure you have heard of the saying, “How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.” Perseverance gives us the staying power to remain committed to a cause even when you experience (sometimes monumental) setbacks. Nothing great has ever been accomplished by anyone who did not employ perseverance and determination.
Have dreams, and follow them. The rational man adapts himself to the world around him. The irrational man tries to adapt the world to him. Therefore, all progress depends on the irrational man. Go ahead and build your castles in the sky. Then, work toward putting foundations under them (that’s the hard part, but it’s made a lot easier if you do it with passion and love).
You will make so-called ‘mistakes’ in your life, whether they are determined to be so by society, family, or yourself. They are going to happen. They are going to be painful. But God damn it, life is an adventure. Either you go balls to the wall, or don’t bother getting out of bed in the morning. The challenge is to learn from these mistakes and not make them again.
Get a good education. This is something that nobody can ever take away from you. You don’t have to go to university or college, but only finishing high school is not an option. You will thank me for this one.
What is your advice for living well? Please leave a comment below.
Who would you be if you were fearless? A Fortune 500 CEO; a famous athlete; a bear-wrestler? Ok let's be less ambitious for a second. If you were fearless would you go talk to that hot barrista; take a Spanish class; get off the computer and go outside?
Fear is the thief in the night that robs us of our dreams. We're afraid of poverty, so we settle for a soul-crushing cubicle job. We're afraid of how others will judge us so we keep our music inside us. We're afraid our ambition exceeds our ability so we abandon our goals. These are the everyday tragedies.
Like a bully fear can sucker punch our motivation and take its lunch money. But like most bullies fear recoils when we stand up to it.
Courage is the antidote, a way to say "Hell no I'm not going to let this useless feeling run my life." Sometimes that means welcoming your fears.
As we’re liberated from our fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
- Nelson Mandela
What are your most important values? Love, compassion, and integrity are mine, and all of them need courage to manifest. I can't love if I fear opening my heart. I can't work to end suffering if I don't have the courage to face injustice. I can't have integrity if I am afraid of reprisal for standing up for my beliefs.
Courage lets you wield your values like an axe to cut down the barriers between you and your dreams. But where do we find courage when fear smothers us? Here's some humble advice:
Put the challenge in perspective:
Ask yourself what is the worst that could happen? Then, if it's not too painful, think of the worst thing that's ever happened to you (e.g. being dumped, death of a loved one), then realize that you are still alive and functioning, that you got through that challenge and maybe have even healed from it. Trust that you can overcome this next challenge, too.
Give yourself a carrot:
Vividly imagine the benefits of overcoming your fear: finding a job you love, being able to afford the trip to India, losing the weight. Picture every detail--how will you feel; who will be with you; what will you be doing?
Take the first step, then another:
Some fears can be paralyzing and trying to face them directly is futile. Start small if you have to. Maybe you are facing depression and your challenge today is getting out of bed. That's enough. You wouldn't try to run a marathon without first doing some conditioning. The key is to begin. If you don't try, you can't succeed. Showing up, as they say, is half the battle.
Laugh. See the world for what it is: a wacky, wonderful place that doesn't make a lot of sense sometimes. Worrying is fixating on your fears, and that's not a good motivator. Love and passion are great motivators, and it's a lot easier to act with those things in your heart when you're relaxed.
"The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards!' "
- Anthony Jeselnik
And if none of that works,
Fake it until you make it:
If you can't find courage, act anyway. It will be scary, terrifying even. But after it's all over you will realize everything went better than expect; that the fear was uncalled for. Repeat, and it will become a habit, then a natural response.
Sometimes you can even use fear as a strength. Nobody is fearless, but life is much more fulfilling when those fears are faced with courage.
Try it and see.
As Buddha sat meditating under the Bodhi tree for his final push toward Enlightenment, the demon Mara launched a fierce attempt to prevent him from arriving.
The demon assailed him with visions of beautiful women but each time Buddha simply responded, “I see you, Mara,” and remained focused on his purpose. Finally, Mara retreated in defeat.
Mara represents all of those behaviours that keep us from realizing our excellence. In this story he’s a symbol for destructive emotions like craving, greed, anger, and boredom.
We can respond to Mara in three ways. The first is to give in: act with hatred or become attached to material possessions. Try it and you will find that this strategy leads only to unhappiness.
The second is to fight Mara, which is what I’ve been doing for years, unsuccessfully. I’ve tried to repress my anger, pull myself out of sadness by my bootstraps, or even ignore these emotions when they come. I wanted to take the shortcut to higher consciousness. But the battle cannot be won this way.
Mara must be faced with acceptance. Welcome Mara and you take away his power.
I first heard the Mara story in Tara Brach’s book, Radical Acceptance, a great read for those who seek greater peace. Even after the Buddha reached Enlightenment, she writes, the demon continued to test him.
“Instead of driving him away, however, the Buddha would calmly acknowledge the demon’s presence saying, “I see you, Mara.” He would then invite him for tea and serve him as an honored guest… Mara would stay for awhile and then go, but throughout, the Buddha remained free and undisturbed.”
We cannot avoid negative emotions, but when we let go of our resistance to them and accept them as a part of life, we can be free of them. This may seem counterintuitive, but it works. At times I move through my acting angry, fearful, or sad without being aware of it. But when I do finally key in—when I acknowledge Mara, those emotions start to lose their power over me.
I will leave you with a mantra that helps when I struggle with negative emotions:
“I welcome the opportunity (even if painful) that my minute to minute experience offers me to become aware of the addictions I must reprogram to be liberated from my robot-like emotional patterns.” - The Twelve Pathways to Higher Consciousness by Ken Keyes Jr.
I hope it also brings you peace.
If these ideas get your motor running, chances are you're familiar with the pursuit of excellence.
The pursuit is a challenging one. Excellence asks that you sacrifice--by waking up earlier, studying longer, and training harder. It asks that you plumb the depths of your soul to battle your most vicious demons. And it asks you to hold yourself to a higher moral code than those around you, even when it may cost your life.
But the reward is nothing less than becoming your best self.
To the ancient Greeks, there was no higher aim. They called this special type of excellence areté. The concept is beautifully captured in one of my favourite novels, Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance:
"The hero of the Odyssey is a great fighter, a wily schemer, a ready speaker, a man of stout heart and broad wisdom who knows that he must endure without too much complaining what the gods send; and he can both build and sail a boat, drive a furrow as straight as anyone, beat a young braggart at throwing the discus, challenge the Pheacian youth at boxing, wrestling or running; flay, skin, cut up and cook an ox, and be moved to tears by a song. He is in fact an excellent all-rounder; he has surpassing areté."
Areté is seen in men and women of great accomplishment, like Aristotle and Leonardo Da Vinci. But you don't need to be a Renaissance Man to know areté.
"A man can do all things if he will."
- Leon Battista Alberti (1404-1472)
All you need is to cultivate a sense of duty. Not to others, but to yourself. You must believe with burning passion in the value of excellence and work relentlessly to become the man or woman you know you can be.
Maybe. That's a choice we're all free to make for ourselves. But in the pursuit of excellence you will find much greater rewards, like happiness, fulfillment, and peace.
And there is something greater than personal fulfillment at stake. The world suffers from an excellence deficit. Greed and incompetence has led the global economy into turmoil. Ignorance and fear still divide our human family. Building a better society requires that a critical mass of men and women decide to become their best selves. It's worth fighting for.
"The place to improve the world is first in one’s own heart and head and hands, and then work outward from there."
- Robert Persig
The altruistic argument will not appeal to everyone, and that's ok. We're all walking various paths at times in our lives, and no matter where they lead, we learn something valuable along the way. If you are ready, please join me; the world needs you.
But no matter where you are don't forget to enjoy this beautiful life however you can.
If my mind was a person, we probably wouldn't be friends. Over the years it's told me I will never be wealthy, or happy. That I can't quit smoking, or find a better job. It's told me to give up on my dreams because they're too big, and it's told me to feel sorry for myself when I face challenges.
Because I trusted my mind, I believed everything it told me. That was a mistake.
From childhood we all collect beliefs about the world, ones that either serve us or hurt us. These beliefs literally create our reality, and can be especially dangerous when we are unaware of their effect on us.
Limiting beliefs keep us from our greatness
But I have good news: once you see them, you can pull them out by the roots.
When I was younger I had a terrible fear of speaking to new people. My limiting belief was that I'd say something stupid, and be harshly judged for it. Eventually I became so fed up with how it affected my life that I forced new operating instructions into my mind: that what I have to say is important, and that if other people don't like it, that's their problem.
I pushed myself to talk and it worked out great! I no longer have trouble speaking to new people. In fact, I've noticed how many other people have a hard time speaking to me as a stranger, and because of my past experience I can empathize with them and help them open up.
“Whether you think you can, or you think you can't--you're right.” - Henry Ford
Your mind is only a tool that can be used to help or hurt; it is not in charge. 'You' are in charge. Your being, your soul is in charge. If you want something from life, don't let limiting beliefs block you from getting it. You can turn your mind into a friend, but you have to give it clear expectations.
Now go out and get what you want.